How to React: When Men are Men

Sarah Gillian

Sep 21, 20195 min read

Updated: Jun 27, 2020

Content Warning: Mentions of sexual assault.

In an effort to not bury the lead, a man I know once verbally wished for the current president of the United States of America to be imprisoned and raped. I support only one of these wishes.

It really messed me up. I have not had a proper conversation with him since.

This is not a piece about the 45th president of the United States, at all. I refuse to waste my energy or talent on such un-calculated yet malicious garbage. This is about the way a man privileged in almost every socio-economic facet possible was able to easily wish away the bodily autonomy of another person (regardless of what that person has been accused and alleged to have done to multiple women), and there is a reason that I, a woman, am morally and physically repulsed by it.

Too many times. Too many times in my life have I come close to joining a database of statistics, all because of one particular characteristic that sets me apart from luckier others: I am a woman.

I would like to be clear that I am more than aware of how often men are the victims and survivors of sexual assault, and a large part of the problem is that we do not acknowledge that enough. What I would also like to clarify is that I write this as a woman, whose women friends, family members, and acquaintances live in a world where we are more likely to be one of many women who become a part of this statistic. And it is those experiences that I have accumulated as a woman in my 20's that shape my language, my criticisms, and my fears. They have shaped my very belief systems. Whatever those belief systems may be called, I know that none of them permit rape under any circumstances. Not even retributively.

So, what are you supposed to do when someone (a man) says something (stupid) like that?

I am still figuring it all out. In the meantime, here is a list of some things I did and did not do that you might want to consider trying, should you ever need to.

i. ask them to respect your boundaries

I find that I am quick to rile up. Even in less pressing conversations about sexism or general stereotypes, I can go from zero to a hundred in mere seconds. Blood alcohol content is optional, but really not advised.

The solution for that is first taking a deep breath. I may need a moment to collect my thoughts depending on how much damage the comment has made. Now I can ask, calmly, for the other person to put things on hold and to "respect what I am saying". The point of this is really just to ask the other person to consider what both parties have said, and to grant them a moment to reflect and realize why they shouldn't have said what they said.

In this instance, I did say these words exactly. It might be one of the few times where I actually mustered the strength to ask someone to listen to what I was saying instead of immediately hurdling into a heated debate where the goal was to chew the other person out. (Again, we may thank the wine for that). As I reflect on that night, it is this step that helped to steady my heart rate.

ii. walk away

This was the second thing I did that night. If someone is saying something that makes you uncomfortable, including outside of conversations of belief systems and politics, you have every right to walk away from the situation. We may have been given the power of words to manage arguments and mend our relationships, but that does not mean that you are responsible for always playing the advocate, the history textbook, the search engine, or whatever else you are unfairly expected to be. Your words, your energy, and your time belong to you. Use them wisely.

iii. break something

Preferably, something belonging to the person who said the something stupid. While this is obviously said in jest and not a genuine advisement for how to manage an argument, I know I would not blame anyone if they told me in private they smashed some bone china after their racist aunt told them who they'd voted for in such and such election.

I thought long and hard about this option but I couldn't follow through. Mostly because I was in a third party's home and most things in it belonged to them, ergo, there was nothing of merit to break in that scenario. Yet in my wildest dreams, something important and fragile and expensive would have gone crunch crunch under my rebellious proverbial boot.

iv. explain why it was offensive

This is something I did not do. Or at least not as thoroughly as I should have liked to.

While I asked the other person to respect what I was saying in an effort for him to stop repeating words that triggered me on multiple layers of genuine trauma and livid rage, I was only able to get through that much before I had to walk away. I was set off into walking away by the following request for me to respect what he was saying. I do not know if you have ever been asked, dear reader, whether directly or not to respect the wishes for someone to be raped, but when I consider the weight of that request now, bile still rises to the back of my throat. Four weeks have passed since my argument with this individual, but as those weeks turn to months, and months to years, I believe that bile will always remain.

Looking back, I wish I had found the strength to elaborate. To explain why I personally was affected by what he said. Not a survivor, but a woman. Not a survivor, but wounded. Not a survivor, but not yet. Because that is the world I live in. This person, a man, who I know is, too, not a survivor does not live life with the particular characteristics that lead to "not yet" as mine do. They never will.

I should have explained all of that to him. I could not at the time, but I should have, even if it only would have inflamed his pride or made him recount all of the things which made his life hard, none of which were a result of being a man. I still think I should have. I believe it is of the utmost importance to make the political as personal as possible, because the two have always been one in the same. So when you have the strength, it is imperative that you explicate why the words of the other have hurt you. If that person still refuses to acknowledge your pain or apologize for their fault in causing it, it is then that you walk away. For your own good.

All of which is to say: these steps are not just important for the people in your life who you love unconditionally but like on few occasions. Whether a stranger on the subway is worth your time, or your elderly, extended relatives deserve your expended energy, that is for you to decide. You are not the advocate, the history textbook, or the search engine.

Remember to put yourself first. Rest so you may protect the others later.