Humans are complex beings, and that seems to mean that we are prone to fucking up. Sometimes we fuck up earnestly. Other times, we just fuck up. Forgetting to take the chicken out of the fridge like your mom asked you to three hours ago, but now she's pulling into the driveway and you've only just remembered? An honest mistake. You say sorry, and you mean sorry (especially because now dinner is either very late or very much a peanut butter sandwich, and that's on you). Non-black people saying the n-word in public or private forums? Ignorant or not, it actively participates in racism. You say sorry--and maybe, just maybe, if you're never caught saying it again, you might mean it.
This week, I would like to talk about the right way to do an apology. As someone who has flaked on prior commitments, forgotten to do something I was supposed to, and who's been guilty of saying things I really didn't mean (or more earnestly: things I didn't mean to say), I have made my fair share of apologies. And as a woman, a queer person, a daughter, and just a person who encounters other people in general, I have also been in positions where I received apologies that felt . . . a little unapologetic, to say the least. So, perhaps the best way to tackle how to apologize is by analyzing how not to apologize. Here are five really bad ways to apologize, and why you're not allowed to use them after this post.
"I'm Sorry If I Offended You"
I think this should be rule no. 1 when it comes to apologizing correctly: this is not the language of a genuine apology. As Gina Rodriguez's (most recent) apology demonstrates, "I'm sorry if I offended you" really just means you're not very sorry at all. That if is important, because that if is devastatingly entitled to not take responsibility for its actions. When you tell someone "I'm sorry if I offended you/your community", your words and that if displaces the onus on the person you have hurt to not be hurt. Ultimately, this kind of language, in which you are completely absolved of any intentional harm, guilts the other person into forgiving you as their responsibility--despite the fact that your words refute any owning up to your own actions. If that if were salt, you would be the wound.
My Dog Ate My Apology
I'm not saying that you aren't allowed to explain yourself. In fact, if you have ever watched any family or teen drama show in the history of all modern television, you know that when you don't properly explain yourself, your girlfriend/best friend/vampire love-interest will immediately misunderstand and dramatically flee your mansion in despair of something you might not have even done. (One show. There has to be one show that does this that you have watched. You know what I'm talking about.)
I'm also not saying that it's always appropriate to jump right into the 500 Days of It's Not My Fault spiel when the number one thing you need to do is apologize. Apology first, redemption arc later. You also probably owe it to your friend, or whoever is in need of your apology to save the intricate CW backstory for said redemption arc, and to just stick to the basics: "I meant to do X, but I know I did Y, and for that I am sorry". Saying something like this acknowledges the wrong-doing with an appropriate amount of explanation on your part. Another honest valediction might be: "I was angry, and I know should not have done Z but I chose to do it out of spite anyway, and that was wrong of me. I am sorry for what I did." These example apologies acknowledge what you a) should have done, b) really did, and c) that what you really did was wrong and hurtful to do. Admitting why you did what you did is not totally impermissible, just don't make your apology about you--but more on that below.
Well So-And-So Jumped Off a Bridge!
It might not seem fair that you're being punished for something you've seen other people do. It definitely isn't fair to hurt someone and expect them to forgive you just because everybody else has hurt them in a very similar way, either. This is something that might still need explaining to Scarlett Johansson, who last summer tried to defend her decision to accept an acting role as a trans man by pointing to other actors who have also wrongfully played trans people on film. This isn't about what Jared or Jeffrey did, ScarJo. This is about what you did.
More importantly, though, this is about the person or people you have hurt. Directing the smoke and mirrors at other parties who have done the thing you did in no way permits you to do the thing, nor does it give you a freebie for all sharing blame in the thing. Your job is to listen to those whom you have hurt, not to trick them into redirecting their anger elsewhere.
It's Not Me, It's You
I should be the first one to admit that I am easily prone to getting on the defensive rather than shamefully accepting fault when I know I have done something wrong. For example, hypothetically speaking, just a random scenario, when your roommate simply says, "hey, I would really appreciate it if you would stop leaving your receipts on the counter", you shouldn't berate them with: "wELL yOu LEaVe YoUr ShOeS eVeRyWhErE, sO!" (Sorry, Joanna.) I don't think we necessarily mean to get defensive--I mean, I don't think anybody consciously chooses defensiveness over apologetic-ness, of course--but this approach makes for a truly insincere attempt at an apology. Getting defensive makes this about you, rather than the thing you did, regardless of whether that thing was intentional, accidental, coincidental, or any other kind of -tal it could have been. If you are always taking up the defence, it might be time to ask yourself what this reaction tells you about your actions.
I'm So Sorry . . . Again
If you have to apologize more than once for the same thing, it is probably time to consider making an actual effort to not do that which you must later apologize for. If this is your second, third, fourth, or more-th apology for the same exact thing, it is safe to say that those apologies you gave stand to mean nothing. I mean, not correcting your mistakes, like, at all? That just proves that however sorry you last said you were, you were not sorry enough to stop doing that thing you claimed you would stop doing. I don't know about you, but that's not sorry enough for me. So, be proactive with your apologies. Set a reminder on your phone for the chicken, and you will no longer forget to thaw it out for your mom! Stop saying the n-word if you're not black and you will . . . no longer be saying the n-word as a non-black person! If you are actually sincere in making up for your past actions, you need to evaluate what it is you are doing to accomplish that; and repeating those past actions certainly cannot be a part of your agenda.
This is not about trying to create the perfect person, one who never-ever makes mistakes and is never-ever-ever responsible for hurting others. Of course, that is not what this is about. Assuming that any response asking for your sincere apology is about creating a terrifying utopia of people who never do wrong is missing the point. So, if the do-right utopia is all this post has illustrated for you, you have come to the wrong blog. This is about clarifying that our apologies are not about us. How you apologize may say a lot about you, yes, but this isn't Showtime at the Apollo. If you were looking to learn something about yourself from one woman's criticisms of bad apologies, though, I will leave you with this: if you are constantly dishing out apologies that you don't intend to make well on, you have now become the joke. And honestly? You're not that funny.
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